MISSING (a lost blog)

[  (a lost blog) means that I started this post forever ago... forgot about... and am now finishing it up because I think it's worth keeping. Hear goes nothing! ]

I haven't been blogging in a while... I guess that's to be expected of some people. People who start things and never finish them. People who don't really know what they want. People who tend to keep their opinions to themselves unless they have a blog to share them on.

The truth is I have been depressed.
Not, "Oh, life isn't worth it any more and no one loves me!" depressed. Just... depressed.

I spent the better part of the last three months... sleeping.
Oh my goodness! How can anyone just lay around? Lazy bum! Get a job for goodness sake!

Have you ever tried to look for a job when you felt like reality was in some other dimension. Honestly, for me, it often feels like this life isn't quite real. It has it's roots somewhere in reality, but somewhere along the way my life got sucked into a black hole and now much of my life is like a dream. The kind of dream where you are just watching things happen around you but you have no real grasp on yourself. The kind of dream where you don't seem to really exist at all. No control. No way to move. Just a ripple in time that no one else really even noticed. I feel like I've gone missing.


I think I had a grasp on reality somewhere around the age of 17. Not a firm grasp, just a grasp. I knew that in this life you have to make something of yourself because no one else will do that for you. Unless you are one of the Olsen twins and were born into it. I knew that you had to work hard, even if it was just at McDonald's. And that's exactly what I was going to do, work at a McDonald's. But sometimes things don't work out just the way you want them to. And sometimes you mess up. It's hard to tell where I messed up, because there are many things in my life now that I learned from, but they could also be the very mistakes that sent my life toward the big sucky black hole.
For instance: when my roommate told me McDonald's wasn't good enough and I had to A: get a real job, or B: move out; I took the path of the least resistance. I moved out, and my parent's sent me to university. I did agree to go, I even took my ACT and applied! woo! and I got in, so that was all good. Not having a clue what I wanted to major in didn't stop me... for a couple of years.

Now? Now I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, still don't know what I want to do with my life, but at least I met one of my best friends, and my 'family away from home'. So? So it's good to be with my family away from home, because my biological family drives me up the wall. Who's family doesn't? Well, unless your mother is a hoarder, you sister is a tween, and your dad has a problem with honesty, then you can't really understand what 'family' means to me.

I grew up watching Home Improvement with my family. I took comfort in the fact that my dad was a bit smarter then Tim 'the tool man' Taylor... But looking back at my childhood, that was just a child's perspective, now I wish my dad could be as smart at Tim. Wow.
The thing is, you can be a total screw up when it comes to projects around the house and still be a really great guy. You can't be a total screw up when it comes to taking care of your family.

Taking care of your family? What the heck does that mean?
10-being there
9-being social
8-being the provider
7-being frugal
6-being fun
5-Being reliable
4-Being the best example you can be
3-Being honest
2-Being committed
1-Being responsible at work

Where did I get that list?
I made it up of all the things I wish my dad would be/do do the fullest and best of his abilities. I wish them for me too.

What else do I wish?
I have often wished I could turn back the hands of time, be born again, and have one major do-over. Is that bad? Do many people wish that they would have started doing things differently from birth? I felt this way for as long as I can remember...
I've always wished that instead of being a timid shy little kid I would have been adventurous and outgoing.
I've always wished that I could stop eating once I was full.
I've always wished that I could put what I was thinking and feeling into the words that the person I was talking to could understand at the time that I was talking to them. Especially with my counselor.
I've always wished I were more athletic.
I've always wished that I could get it right the first time.


I don't want to be this person that always looks back at her life then just wishes it had all been different... but as far as I can tell, it's always been that way for me.
When I was eight or nine I started looking back, wondering what I had done wrong. Why was it always so hard for me, and why did I never have anything to say? Or why didn't I say what I knew I really needed to?