I stand in my room facing the mirror,
Pulling at fat from head to toe.
I need some control over this life I'm living.
I need someone to understand what I need.
Tear drops start to fall....
Sometimes I can't believe the things that have happened. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my childhood and change the parts that went wrong.
Why couldn't it all have been different. Better. Easy. This can't be my life... surly I will wake up from this bad dream.
I planed my life. I'm supposed to be thin, happy. I'm supposed to have graduated from college and I'm supposed to have a job... saving money... moving to New York... living my dream.
My dad wasn't supposed to have an affair. My mom wasn't supposed to be a hoarder. My bother wasn't supposed to quit the family. My sister wasn't supposed to be so sick. I wasn't supposed to be such a failure.
I dry my tears on my sleeve.
I step on the scale... 226lbs
I've failed yet again.
I turn on my computer
I Google 'diet'
If only I could do something right! It seems as if everything I touch is ruined.
My social club fell apart.... my classes sucked.... my job got to be too much.
Why can't I just fit in this world?! I would be better off dead.
The world would be a better place without me.
I'm worthless.
I stop eating, I don't deserve to live. Please let the hunger take me away!
I flip through a Vogue magazine.
I cut out the most beautiful girls
I past them into my note book
I want to look like them
I might be better if I did
I know looks don't make a person. It's stupid to think that being pretty or thin or both would make my life any better....
But if I were thin, it might be easier to get a job... people would like me and want me to work for them.
If I were thin, guys might want to date me... I might be able to find love....
I know it's stupid.
But I believe it.
I don't eat a thing for two days
I break.
I eat too much.
I purge.
I cry.
And then I look at myself in the mirror.
